So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
