I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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