Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize