And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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