I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
