hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
