i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
