Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
