SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
