I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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