oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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