New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Holy shit dude........stairs
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
