Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
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