my phone needs a breathalizer
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
