Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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