I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I just want to make out with him forever
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
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