Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
