I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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