Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
