Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Even my vagina gasped.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
