At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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