I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
