I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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