Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
