Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
