Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
