Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
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