My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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