third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
