If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
