i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
