New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
