eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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