We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
