I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
