they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
