Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
