you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
