Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
