Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
we're so committed to being not committed
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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