Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
