this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize