Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
