dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
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