Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I wish there were birth control emojis
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
