Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize