i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
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