this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
