i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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