Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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