God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Randomize
