He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
