i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Randomize
