Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
