Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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