Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
