Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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