home. puking in laundry basket.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
