For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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