im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize