so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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