God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
so explain again why im purple
no
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
