Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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