An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
