I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
