His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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