Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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