"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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