My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
