I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
