Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
