I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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