id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
